Saturday, November 9, 2013

You know you're a mom if...

You've ever wiped your child's nose on the underside of your own shirt because you couldn't find any tissue.

You've ever had to ask yourself "is this poop or chocolate"

You've ever mistakenly sat in pee...on multiple occasions

You've ever had to clean poop off of anything

You've ever had a child place anything in your cleavage for safe keeping

You've ever had a puncture wound from a rogue lego piece

You can sing every word to the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse theme song, Jake and the Neverland Pirates theme song, The Backyardigans theme song, Dora the Explorer theme song, etc., etc., etc.

You've ever had a child try to be shy with a stranger, and take a bashful refuge by burying their face in your backside

You've ever let a child brush your hair, and walked away with more tangles than you came with

You've ever eaten candy in the bathroom/closet/dark pantry because you didn't want to share

You've ever tried to pee or have a bowel movement with a child screaming outside the door, and felt bad about it because they sounded so sad to be left out

You've ever been the recipient of nasty looks at the store because your grocery shopping expedition ran long, and drifted dangerously into nap time territory

You've ever had to ask yourself if the puddle on the floor is urine, or a spilled cup of water

You've ever had to tend a busted lip when a Barbie dispute got violent

You've ever fashioned a cape out of a towel/baby blanket/long sleeved shirt

You've ever had to fish a stray turd out of the tub because bath time was so relaxing

You've ever found a child elbow deep in your cup to steal ice after you got on to them for picking their nose

You haven't finished an entire beverage/plate of food on your own for more than a decade

You've ever had a child use you as their personal living breathing...tissue

You've ever made the judgment call that its not worth changing out of your snot shirt simply because chances are high that you'll just get more on you as the day wears on

You've ever gotten to an event, on time, with everyone fully dressed in matching clothing, and wearing shoes, and are secretly sad that there wasn't a crowd of cheering people waiting to congratulate you

You've ever been so sleep deprived that you accidentally misspelled your own name

You can get vomit/poop/snot out of a toy/clothes/furniture, like a boss

You've ever had to run into the dollar store to grab a pack of panties because you were 45 minutes into your trip before its discovered the 3 year old was going commando under her dress

You think you could probably talk a jumper down from a ledge easier than you can talk your child into putting on clothes

You've ever found yourself completely absorbed in a kids show only to realize that you are watching it alone, and you have to finish because you need to find out how it ends

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